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Safety & Consent

We want FetSoc to be a tolerant, safe place, somewhere people can come to talk about issues, techniques, experiences without feeling judged or looked down on by those who don’t understand. Because of this, we have a few basic rules to make sure that everyone feels comfortable:

We operate using RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink). Some people use SSC (Safe, Sane Consensual). The common factors in both of these are consent. Consent, consent, consent!

Here’s a document written by Greg, a former president, on Safety and Consent. It’s a little lengthy, but well worth reading – very good advice for newbies and those more experienced as well. I’d encourage you all to read it at some point!

Safety & Consent
Heyup, this document is about the basics of safety and consent, I don't pretend that it'll cover everything that those broad topics imply, but hopefully it'll cover enough to stop you getting into any sort of trouble. At the moment it's written by me (Greg) but I hope that those of you with more experience will throw in your two pence and this will become a collaborative thing that we can show to all of our members each year. It's written in quite a casual tone, because it's pages long and making it dry would make it longer and most of you wouldn't read to the end - don't think that the tone means these subjects are unimportant. If you only learn one thing from us, it's the contents of this document. Half of fetsoc is learning how to do awesome things to each other, mostly by having more experienced people suggest stuff that's worked for them. The other half is avoiding horrendous things by learning from folks who didn't know how to avoid them. This is that half and I really think you should read it even if the majority of the document elicits the response "Thank you captain obvious" there could be one thing that saves your life.

Let’s start with consent, most people intuitively grasp that it's probably not a great idea to do things to someone that they don't want you to. So it's a bit of a mystery to me how many people fail to find out what their partner wants before starting a scene. It's not enough to have some vague idea of each others’ preferences, you want to know exactly what you can and can't do. You don't want to find out that while your idea of S&M is a light spanking, that your partners involves drawing blood by trial and error.

Before you start a scene (especially with a new partner) negotiate what you do and don't want to happen in that scene. Now there's a skill to artfully negotiating what is and isn't okay without killing the mood, hopefully that's something you'll learn (maybe fetsoc will have a demo on it), but if you have to choose between being artless and not getting consent - be artless. Even if you end up putting on a suit and treating the negotiation like some stiff backed beurocrat, having to build the mood up again is substantially easier than recovering from doing something that your partner considers abuse. Depending on how big the mistake is you could end up in jail, I can't emphasise enough how important it is to obtain your partners consent for everything you want to do before starting a scene.

The level of detail you need to negotiate in is strongly affected by the type of scene you're doing. If you're with a new partner you need to be more specific than with someone who's played with you before, since you know each others preferences (It also allows shorthand such as "that delicious thing you did last time with the red flogger"). If you're roleplaying you want to be *very* specific about what you want to do and stick to it, if you're not and "that can fuck right off" means "that can fuck right off" then you can afford to be less pedantic, so long as you're careful to telegraph what you're about to do before you do it. These are things that adjust risk though, even with a partner who you've been with for a bajillion years in a scene where a slight shake of the head means "no" you should still negotiate what you're going to do in the scene in general terms and talk more precisely about any new element that hasn't been present in your previous play.

Next topic, safewords. A safeword (for those of you who haven't heard of them) is a word that you can say during a scene to bring whatever is going on to a stop. Sometimes it's enough to talk about a specific problem and keep going, other times it means the scene needs to end. Either way it provides an option to say "Something serious has gone wrong, we need to stop" that's quick to say. Ideally it should be something jarring (in the context of the scene) so "no" doesn't work with a lot of peoples’ roleplay "tapdancing lollipops" works better. Safewords also do not need to be a word, if someone is gagged then you might want them to make a certain movement. In this case make sure that the movement is obvious, repeatable and not mistakable for something that might normally happen in the scene. Also that it is physically possible to do it at all points in the scene.

A safeword is a tool for both consent and safety. As it means "Stop this right now and talk to me about what's wrong" you can use it to stop a scene to indicate a lack of consent for something or to indicate that some element of the scene has become unsafe. Never, ever, use a safeword as your sole solution to safety and consent problems. In the case of consent, a lack of safeword does not indicate consent - often people have trouble using safewords because they don't want to interrupt a scene. Or they might think it was ignored. Even if it worked perfectly it still wouldn't be valid because consent obtained during a scene is not consent. If someone didn't want you to do something at the start of a scene you can't ask again halfway through, the psychological aspects of a scene mean that you often won't get a reliable answer. In the case of safety it is far better to prevent an unsafe situation occurring than to remedy it once it has occurred.

It doesn't matter how careful you are, play long enough and sooner or later a situation will come up where a safeword needs to be used. When it happens it's disappointing, what was going to be a lot of fun becomes something you need to stop, possibly for that day. It's very important not to let that disappointment turn to frustration or anger, coming down from an emotional situation isn't as straightforward as we'd all like, but it's important that you do it well. If you're being careful with consent and safety it doesn't reflect badly on you as a person that it happened, it's simply the case that if you do something often enough sooner or later a mistake gets made. When someone safewords, deal with the problem as best you can, continue if you both want to, stop otherwise. If you stop, make sure that you look after each other and reassure each other about the situation. A good top never responds slowly to a safeword because they're taking it personally, a good bottom never fails to safeword when necessary because they're afraid of what it'll do and a good couple recover gracefully and do it better the next night. Or the next morning. Oh hell we're all young, in an hour's fine if you both feel you're ready.

Some people don't like safewords, they find that it messes with the dynamic for the bottom to be able to call a halt to the proceedings. If you are one of these people then you can choose not to use one (What am I going to do about it? Burst into your bedroom and demand one?) but be aware that you're taking a risk by doing so. I think that people should have the option to take whatever risks that they choose, as long as both partners are aware of what the risk entails. If one person wants to use a safeword and the other does not, then use one (even if it's the bottom who doesn't want to use one). If you're doing other things that increase risk be aware that this multiplies the risk from those activities considerably. If you're not sure whether to implement a safeword (or for that matter any safety thing) then it's better to be safe than sorry. No sorrier than that. Think of Bambi’s mother. Fry’s dog? Keep going. There we go.

A final note on safewords, there's a very common set of safewords that most people in the scene will recognise. Don't ever assume that someone will know these, but make sure you do in case someone you're playing with does just that. They are "green light" "yellow light" "red light". Saying "Green light" indicates everything is super and the people involved can carry on and go further if they'd like. Saying "Yellow light" indicates that the current activity is on the boundary for you (either approaching becoming unsafe, or approaching the limits of what you will consent to) and indicates that it wouldn't be a great idea to take this further. "Red light" should be treated like a regular escape word. This system has the benefit of the extra call in the middle allowing something between "everything's okay" and "stop right now". Also it means you can just ask if someone wants to use the traffic light system instead of using a convoluted system involving naming fruits.

Right, on to safety. This part will be shorter, as a lot of safety stuff is specific to individual types of play and we'll mention that alongside those things. As a general rule, don't do a type of play if you don't know appropriate safety for it, don't have well maintained tools (check them!) or don't have appropriate safety devices (surgical scissors I'm looking at you). There are some things that are common to all scenes that you should be aware of though.

First up, know how you're going to get out of the situation you're in for each of three situations. Firstly, if everything goes as planned. Secondly, if the building catches fire. Third, if your partner turns out to be a psycho. I'm not kidding about the third point, you can get to know someone very well outside of fetish play and not know what they're like while playing until it's too late. Fact of the day: Fred and Rosemary West went to munches and nobody noticed that there was anything odd about them.

The first point is straightforward enough, though there are a few things to bear in mind, people ending scenes are often tired, dehydrated and low on sugar. I'm big on having chocolate and a drink hidden somewhere near the scene to bring out at the end :)

The second is also straightforward but more important. Make sure that you've got everything you need to extract yourself. For domination type players that might just be knowing the quickest way out of the house and having some housekeys and a bathrobe between here and there (though at a push you can live without either of those items). For bondage type players this means having quick ways to extract yourself or someone else from their predicament. And spares. And spares for the spares. And a hacksaw for if the handcuff key breaks in the lock.

The third is by far the trickiest. Nobody wants to say "I need to take some safety precautions in case you're a lunatic" to a potential lover, it's not very romantic. However anyone who's in the scene will understand you taking those precautions (they've probably done it themselves at some point). I find that the most elegant solution is to let someone know where you are and telling them "If I don't phone you to say everything’s alright by X o’clock call the police and send them to this address". It doesn't hurt to have some phrase you can call them and say which sounds like "I'm fine" and they know means "Call the police, now". I've never heard of such a thing being used by my immediate friends, but it only takes a few minutes to set up so I figure it's better safe than sorry. (Oooh repetition, like a cult indoctrination). Also a lot of people like to maintain a certain amount of freedom with a new partner, to be sure they're okay, such as insisting that their arms remain free and no locking restraints be used.

It is important to talk to your partner beforehand and make yourself aware of any specific issues they might have. Make sure that you know about anything in their medical history that might become an issue and that you know where any medication they might suddenly require is. Subs with asthma or back problems aren't as uncommon as you'd think, make sure you check. Conversely, make sure that your partner is aware of any special attention that you might require and knows everything they need to know.

Additionally there is a general safety technique that's important to basically every type of play. It's simply monitoring the status of your partner. Being aware of their physical and emotional state at all times. Monitoring is a topic in its own right, so I do not pretend to cover it all here, make sure you find out what's important in your type of play. Is your submissive naked, restrained or both? Make sure you're keeping an eye on their temperature. Are you using restraints? Make sure you keep an eye on their circulation. Are you doing any sort of psychological play? Look out for signs of genuine distress. The point is that whatever you do, make sure that you're monitoring your partners physical and mental state and know what to look for and how to respond.

The other consideration about monitoring is how closely you monitor. By this I mean how close you stay to your partner and how often you actively check things. In some scenes it's possible to leave the room, in others it would be inadvisable to be further than arms reach away. It increases the risk inherent in the scene to monitor your partner more loosely, so how closely you decide to monitor will depend upon on how much risk the activities already present provide and how much the success of responses to possible problems will depend upon a quick response.

While it is possibly not strictly the perview of a document covering safety and consent, it is very important to consider post scene care as well. Fetish scenes can be quite emotionally and physically exhausting and it's important to respond to that. Physically participants will often be dehydrated or lacking in energy and require something to pick that up, personally I favour having a glass of juice and some nice chocolates hidden nearby. Also depending on the nature of the scene and the people involved there might be some minor injuries that you did not feel the need to stop the scene over that might need attending, (Note: No injury is too minor to stop the scene if you're worried about it, in fact I'd advise only continuing if you're absolutely sure what the problem is, that it won't get worse and that you'd want to continue with it) but since you all keep a medical kit nearby when doing a scene anyway this rarely provides a problem. Also a makeup kit can be beneficial, in case your submissives parents decide to visit 10 minutes after a scene and you don't want them seeing rope marks on her wrists. For example. Not that this has ever happened. Nyuh-uh.

More important than physical aftercare is emotional aftercare. Some types of scene can have quite a profound psychological impact. Be aware that a participant might experience flashbacks (I've never seen this), have a panic attack (This happened to a sub I've played with), feel strong negative emotions (I've spoken to a dominant who had a minor break down over feeling like an abuser) or exhibit any of a range of other psychological symptoms. If this happens during a scene you need to escape word (or if it is the other participant treat it like an escape word, in many of these cases the individual will not be capable of issuing one themselves) and treat it accordingly. However it can happen coming down after the scene or even days later. For this reason it's very important to be there for each other emotionally after the scene, it reduces the risk and helps recover if there is a problem. As a postgrad psychologist the most effective tool for maximising emotional support after a scene is a sophisticated method we call "hugging" but what works will vary between individuals. Sometimes people need space, it doesn't hurt to talk about it in pre-scene negotiations, but be aware that peoples preferences can change unpredictably in response to new emotions. Be perceptive and responsive. Finally (on this topic) be aware that these events can occur hours or even days after the event. Make sure that your partner knows that they can call you anytime to talk about it if they feel that they want to or need to, some people like to call their partners the next day just to touch base anyway, that's not a bad practice. Conversely be willing to make that call if you feel you need it, I know it's not easy sometimes, but think about the reason you're worried about making it, is it more important than your mental wellbeing? Though not. (The advantage of a document over a conversation is that you reply however I want you to. Dominating ink on paper somehow isn't the same though. It's not even real ink or real paper).

One last point, that might cause you to re-read the whole of this document, is that all of this advice is for both the top and the bottom. A lot of people see these as considerations that only one or the other needs to worry about, but that's simply not true. A bottom should know appropriate safety for what the top is doing, so they can be sure it's being done properly. A top can use a safeword if they want, it wouldn't be the first time and there are situations a top finds it too disturbing to continue. A bottom should know good monitoring technique and apply it to themselves and the top. A top benefits from having a friend call, because sometimes tops get into trouble too. A bottom needs a tops consent as much as the top needs the bottoms (and both need to make sure that the negotiation happens). You get the idea.

That's it for the basics, there's a lot more I could say, but we're three pages in already. Hopefully you've got an appreciation for the basics of these topics, I'd hope you never need most of the advice needed here, but my experience is that sooner or later you will. Make sure you learn all of the appropriate safety you're going to need and then, by all means, enjoy yourselves. If you think there are any critical omissions (and as this is the first draft I'm sure there will be) so they can be added in. I'll start a discussion on the facebook group for that purpose come to think of it.